Acting “As If”

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I was delighted to read a recent blog post by “The Brazen Careerist” on “6 Ways to Build a Personal Brand and Get Hired for Your Dream Job”. 

His advice in a nutshell:

  1. Act as if you have it right now-
  2. Think of yourself as a company
  3. Dress for the job you want
  4. Build an online persona
  5. Expand your network
  6. Love your projects
  7. Be yourself

Interestingly, this is the same advice uttered in recovery programs, 12 Step rooms and in work with “CBT” (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) practioners thousands of times, every day.

In layman’s terms “Fake it til you make it“.

“But Eve, you want me to lie to myself?”

“Not for a minute.”

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Amy Cuddy, Power Poses – Feel more powerful with minor changes in your behavior.

What you believe is who you are.

Who you are is always evolving.

Who you are is the product of your self talk.

Ask yourself, is it undermining or supportive?

Remember, Darwin’s “theory” is not about survival of the fittest. It’s about survival of the most adaptable, the most resilient.

Resilience is a learned behavior. Survive a situation just once and you’re stronger for it.

Try Amy Cuddy’s “tweaks” to your non verbal messages for proof!

The emboldened, stronger version of you will take chances, embrace new things, imagine different outcomes.

Now surround yourself with supporters, champions and facilitators. People who believe in you.

Not sure where to find them?

Ask us how!




Overcoming Objections

photo-3Starting with my own!

January 1981, I remember the moment vividly.

This was what I didn’t know I didn’t know!

I’d relocated and needed work. I took a recruitment job “placing” accountants and then “selling” for a temporary placement agency. “Salesmanship” was a skill I lacked. Utterly.

Today I understand it on a deeper and more nuanced level. “Salesmanship” is a way of life. Daniel Pink describes it brilliantly in To Sell is Human: The Surprising Truth About Persuading, Convincing, and Influencing Others. “We’re all in sales now…”

The persuading, convincing and influencing begins every day as I arise. I am the “customer”. Today I will choose… it is the mantra that opens my day.

It doesn’t end as I leave for work. My practice is about supporting change. Trained in counseling, my credentials for this subspecialty are less about education and certifications than experience. Recovery is a a process, a way of life. It is not a destination. Every day involves overcoming objections.

My own objections and other peoples’.

Choosing a conscious, mindful  presence in the world, a world overmedicated with mood altering substances and practices isn’t easy.

Change management” isn’t just for businesses any more. Everyday the question is:

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What very small change will I make – or sustain, in order to move forward, personally, professionally or in community?

Begin with: “I will not do what I have always done”,

believe that you can choose to be the “master of (your) fate, the captain of (your) soul“.

It can be done. More easily in the company of others, in fellowship with likeminded people and with skills and tools to short-circuit any objections you encounter.

 

How? Well quite frankly -“it takes guts”.

Don’t go it alone . Get in touch!

 

 

More on Personal Change Management

 

 




Paying it Forward in the Digital Age

Never has it been easier! Resolve to be a “Digital Media Mensch“* in 2015.

It costs little and you’re out there anyway.images

A great recipe for money management is saving 10% of what you earn. Some folks with a charitable mindset strive to contribute 10%. Seem steep? Give of yourself, give your time!

Even just one percent of your work week. Work an 8 hour day? That’s 480 minutes. Consider adding 5 minutes on line, 5 days a week. A gift of 1%.

Now:

  • Recommend a business that served you well
  • Congratulate a Startup, SME or Micro-business on whatever platform you favor
  • Thank your tribe – tell your followers & connections what benefit they’ve brought – even if just a smile
  • Introduce a service professional to a potential customer
  • Like, favorite or comment on discussion – engagement helps everyone

Could give more? Up it to 2% -10 minutes and you’ll have time to ask folks what digital media support they could use. Be available to open doors.

  • New menu at a local cafe you frequent? Tweet about it – help drive traffic
  • Refurbished premises? Sale on the High Street, Award Winners? Spread the word
  • Repost, retweet or recommend an event – help an organizer fill a room

Creating community begins with one relationship at a time. You don’t have to love your neighbor, you don’t even have to like them. If you like what they’re doing, and if they’re adding value to the community – help them along.Churchill-quote-on-giving-300x225

 

*In Yiddish, mentsh roughly means “a good person.” The word has migrated as a loanword into American English, where a mensch is a particularly good person, similar to a “stand-up guy”, a person with the qualities one would hope for in a friend or trusted colleague. (Wikipedia)




Happy Celebration of Light!

The solstice has passed, we’ve had our shortest day, and I look forward to longer daylight hours. Clearly our cultural and religious traditions support that desire.

In a 2010 post “Happy Chanukah, Ireland”, I reflected on the tradition of remembering the re-dedication of the temple defiled by the Greeks.

Celebrations.Light

“The miracle celebrated is one of faith and light. The oil found there was only enough to light the ritual lamp for one day; it lasted eight. We recall this by lighting candles every night for eight nights. On the first night one, the second two and so on.

The holiday, at this darkest time of the year reminds us that with faith and a commitment to re-dedication every night brings an ever-increasing amount of light.”

No Christmas celebration is complete without festive lights, be they candles in sanctuaries, in crowns on the heads of young girls or bedecking a tree.

The Christmas story of the birth of the “light of the world” complete with wise men following a star, was likely imported to the solstice season. Whenever the actual birth, I am intrigued by this “Winter Solstice described in layman’s terms“:

“From the summer solstice to the winter solstice the days become shorter and colder and from the perspective of the Northern Hemisphere the sun appears to move south and get smaller and more scarce.

The shortening of the days and the expiration of the crops symbolized the process of death to the ancients. It was the death of the sun.

And by December 22 the sun’s demise was fully realized for the sun having moved south continually for 6 months makes it to it’s lowest point in the sky.

Here a curious thing occurs. The sun stops moving south.

At least perceiveably for three days. And during this three day pause the sun resides in the vicinity of the Southern Cross (or Crux) constellation and after December 25, the sun moves one degree , this time North – foreshadowing longer days, warmth and spring.

And thus it was said, the sun died on the cross, was dead for three days only to be resurrected or born again.”

I love the imagery. Third day of darkness since the Solstice – December 25th as the archetypal birth of the year!

Whatever your faith tradition, even absent one – these are universal stories.

The ancients coped with the darkness by celebrating with light. These traditions evolved in the myths created to explain what was fearsome, awe inspiring and confusing in the natural world.

Whether that light is literal or figurative, I’d encourage all of us to look within and not let the light go out.

Peter, Paul & Mary brought their passion for storytelling, peace and folk music together in “Light One Candle”.

When the breadth of suffering in the world overwhelms, we can remember that change comes, as with the return of the daylight, one degree at a time.

Consciously living in the light honoring “the terrible sacrifice justice and freedom demand”, seeking “the strength that we need to never become our own foe” and keeping faith with “those who are suffering pain we learned so long ago”, we can collectively bring an ever-increasing amount of light to the world.




Make 2015 matter!

Resolutions are one thing – execution quite another.images

Take inspiration from the research showing that cigarette smokers increase their odds of quitting with every (even failed) attempt.

Instead of “resolving” – review. What did you resolve in 2014? 2010? 1999? My guess is something pretty close to what you’re planning to change in the future.

This year, skip the plan.

Want to be less disorganized, thinner, richer, healthier? In a new relationship, out of an old one? In a new job? A new house?

None of these things change unless you do. And it’s not just a behavioural change. It’s a fundamental one.

Alcoholics who get sober frequently become food or exercise addicts. Food addicts on a diet often overspend. Any real recovery requires uncovering the root of your problem.

Generally, it’s a need to self-medicate pain or dodge discomfort.

So why aren’t you comfortable in your own skin?

Resolve only to learn this:

How do I become “comfortable in my own skin”?

Try three questions:

How can I know what I don’t know?

Who holds the pain of my self-doubt?

How has failing to change served me or those around me?

Then make a plan to assemble a winning team; a coach and fellow players who will inspire & guide you while training by your side every step of the way.

There are some excellent self-help books to help you begin the process of unearthing your obstacles to change.

Living Your Best Life” (Fortgang) is a great way to dive in. You’ll have no difficulty reading it over the holidays – and if you take the exercises seriously you will be well on your way.

Next step – choose a team!

Fellow travellers are critical. We need safe people in our lives, however, “familiar” is not necessarily “safe”.images

Think about it. If you have surrounded yourself with the same people for years and you haven’t been able to make significant changes in your life – perhaps it is because in any system – we all return to the status quo.

There are networks, meetings and classes everywhere. Plan to take in at least one new event a month. Make a few of them classes.

Already going to yoga? Try a different class at a different time. You might meet a new best friend there. Like your gym? Take a session at another – you don’t know whom you might meet.

Ever hear of “laughter yoga” – no exercise involved – but be prepared to leave happily inspired.

Business network comfortably familiar? Other networks welcome visitors – don’t commit – just take a chance on a meeting.

Change is hard. Small steps matter!

Adopt a mantra for 2015: “I love and accept myself the way that I am today, I am enough”.

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The miracle of acceptance is that as you come to believe this, by 2016 your life will have changed. For the better!




Remembrance; Veteran’s Day is complicated…*

November.Poppies w flanders poem Conscious of and indebted to the efforts of veterans worldwide – I remember.

An American expat living in Ireland, in matters of politics I have pacifist leanings. I am, however, untroubled by a passion for honouring the military and sacrifices made on my behalf. Generations of sacrifices.

American veterans, British veterans, Canadian, German, Irish, Italian, Japanese, Israeli and Arab veterans, I make no distinction. Every one was called upon by his or her motherland to serve.

Service. Few of those who served or died had a say in the arguments, feuds and passions that led to the conflicts. Some followed reprehensible orders, all faced circumstances I have not. I respect their service, even when not in service to my ideals.

On the eleventh day of the eleventh month at the eleventh hour every year, I am proud to say that I have thought of, prayed and cried for the sacrifices of all veterans. Perhaps due to my age or the fact that I am an American of Irish and Italian descent who is Jewish, my mind goes first to the soldiers who liberated the concentration camps. Beyond the dangers they faced in their war efforts up until that day, most took to their graves the horror of what they witnessed, and it was only in its aftermath.

My uncle was an Italian soldier who spent most of WWII in a Russian POW camp. Was his sacrifice less noble or costly because the leadership of his homeland chose the “other” side? I know an Israeli veteran whose service in the Lebanon war haunts him to this day. You get my point: Veteran’s day is complicated.

I never thought that before, it was driven home by an effort in 2010 to obtain a small red poppy for a British expat in the states. I lived in Carlingford, on the border with Northern Ireland, the UK.  I assumed that in my travels I would be able to make a donation and pick up this token of remembrance known all over the British Isles.

Not so. “Ah sure, but you wouldn’t want to be trying to find that.”  “No lass, we wouldn’t be wearing that around here.” “You’re brave to be asking for one of those.”

I have learned to challenge that response. 50,000 Irish soldiers died in WWI and many now serve with UN peacekeepers. I am sorry for the legacy of the British occupation. I try to be sensitive to both sides.

That said, I am outraged by the intolerance and disrespect of the young men and women who serve their homelands, anywhere. Especially here.

Whether in victory or defeat we must celebrate the gift of the lives veterans and their families have given. That gift is literally our present.

I have a US homeland, thanks to brave grandparents who emigrated. Ireland is now home.

  • My Irish forbearers were driven out by the policies of the British. Can I hold that against a British soldier now in service to causes I support?
  • The Irish government generously regards this grandchild born abroad, a citizen. It’s soldiers serve bravely with UN peacekeeping troops worldwide. Can I blame an Irish soldier for the Republic’s neutrality in the face of genocide during WWII?
  • The genocide that left my Jewish children deprived of extended families that exist no longer? Here as a Jew I am pilloried as an extension of the Israeli occupation. I have no connection to Israel, but should I disdain the service of her young?
  • Jews trapped in European homelands 70 years ago were dependent upon and betrayed by soldiers in whose armies many had served. Later they were grateful to the soldiers of other homelands who liberated them.

Whose soldiers and what sacrifices would you have me forget?

*This is an edited version of a post which originally appeared in November 2010. It was followed by another on the objections of some to observance of Remembrance Day in Northern Ireland schools.




On Changing Conversations in Ireland

We tell stories in Ireland.

Yet, we don’t talk enough in conversation about what our current and past realities are.

Stories set our experiences in stone; a concrete past. Conversations allow us to evolve and to heal. In repeating, even our traumatic experiences from a distance, in a now safe environment, we re-experience them as our current selves, older and stronger for having survived.*

Storytelling has us repeat experiences along our tribal, party lines. We can be two faced in our delivery, polite and politically correct when telling them to the outside world; but within our tribes we stubbornly cling to old narratives, and we are often intolerant and recalcitrant in the telling.

Three speakers from panels at the XchangeNI Summer School, challenge us to tell fewer stories and have more conversations.xchange collage

Debbie Watters in Changing the Conversation about Liberties has offered what we could be talking about. Steven McCaffery in Changing the Conversation about Media has offered why those conversations must begin in earnest. Ruth Dudley Edwards in Changing the Conversation about History has articulated how our old way of framing these conversations traps us in the past. She goes on to offer a compelling insight into our rhetoric.

Debbie Watters‘  talk began with a question and ended with one.

“We’re 16 years on from the peace process, where are we now? And what does liberty and peace process look like in loyalist communities?”

You have never heard such passion more gently expressed about, among other things, the realities of life and absence of leadership in the working class Protestant community.

Debbie pointed out that within the loyalist community she hears that “things have never been so bad”. She reminds us that “(p)eace is not just not absence of violence, it is about quality of life …”

Her questions included:

  • How do we make our voice heard in ways that allow us to be heard in ways that …don’t demonize us…?
  • What is our mutual responsibility to encourage, if not to coerce, our politicians to stand up and take care of the people most in need in NI….?
  • What would that strategy look like?
  • And what is our responsibility to help those communities come up with that strategy?

I was left wondering: does liberty even exist in a democratic process if a community perceives themselves without representation?

Steven McCaffery led with: “We don’t talk enough about parades… parading has been a massive issue we trade arguments and insults but we don’t actually trade facts.” He called for data rich conversations on a range of subjects in which we talk with each other; not at each other.

He challenged us to take a long view and focus on “political dynamics building outside NI which will have a huge impact on NI”.

Why does the rise of UKIP, predominantly in England matter? How many of us are aware that as much as 85% of farming income relates to EU funding?

“It will raise questions…about the UK’s place in the EU…  NI has an entirely different relationship with the EU than the rest of the UK…It’s a big debate leaning in on us.”

A long view, he reminded us, would also have us focused less on the “flag stories” of December 2012 and more on the census results released that month.

A fall in the Protestant population to 48% and the rise of the Catholic population to 45% means:

“We are a society of minorities, more diverse than ever… this (c)hanging demographic means the future has to be a shared future.”

In this context let me reinterate Debbie’s question:

What is our mutual responsibility to encourage, if not to coerce, our politicians to stand up…”

Lastly, Ruth Dudley Edwards spoke of changing narratives. She articulated an inelegant truth about our tribal rhetoric:

Nationalists are quite often less nice than they seem because they’re very good at seeming nice and
the Prods are quite often nicer than they seem because they’re really good at seeming awful.”

This was not a flippant observation, her call was to “challenge the ancestral voices of our own tribes”. This requires a new narrative about our history. The approach of the centenary of 1916 invites such a challenge. Framed in the context of a democracy in which “the constitutional nationalists were driven out by violent nationalists” we might begin to discuss how that legacy of violence has and continues to have an impact.

She calls for more of an “equality of rhetoric”. And less of what she describes as the “immensely defensive” Orange narrative, or the “impressive” but “profoundly dishonest” Republican narrative.

Please follow the links to the left of the photo. Listen to the speakers in their own words, and then, let the conversations begin.

 

 

*For an interesting read on rewriting our most traumatic memories see “Partial Recall”, Michael Specter, The New Yorker Magazine 19. May 2014 on the work of Daniela Schiller, PhD

Visit AlaninBelfast’s Audioboo to hear playlists of each “Changing Conversations” panel.

 

 

 

 

 

 




International Day of the Girl/Woman?

United Technologies placed this ad in the Wall Street Journal, 1979

United Technologies placed this ad in the Wall Street Journal, 1979

Playing “catch up” in Ireland.

Imagine the surprise at 53 years old discovering I was, yet again, a girl.

Imagine the surprise in finding my accomplished, professional peers were also girls.

Imagine my sadness on realising they didn’t have a problem with it.

Please let us consider the underlying misogyny and join in rejecting the appellation.

When I moved here in 2008, the feminist in me never expected to be back at square one.

This tattered copy has hung in one office or another since 1980. The Christmas gift tag added in 1985 was a reminder that my bemused staff didn’t think it was important either. They got it eventually.

One hopes the New Yorker cartoon illustrates the absurdity of accepting something we can change…

…or else we conspire in our own oppression.




Diaspora Matters; Charlie and the Global Irish

“Whoever saves one life saves a world entire.”

What need has a wee Irish boy of the global Irish diaspora?

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Hi everyone, I am Charlie’s mum and I just want to thank you all for what you are doing. Charlie is a great wee man with a huge zest for life, he really has a fighting spirit and I totally believe we will get a successful match and that Charlie will be cured of cancer…
Will keep you all updated. Love Cliodhna & Fintan, Charlie & Nancy xx

Thanks to Charlie and his family’s urgent appeal, NI registrations on the bone marrow register have grown 2000%. Now let’s grow the registers in America, Australia, Canada and wherever else we Irish have settled.

America is a nation of immigrants who in the last 50 years have learned to celebrate their ethnic and racial identities. Gone are the days of the “melting pot”,  hyphenated Americans value their roots.

And there is DNA in those Irish-American roots!

The shores of America, Canada, Australia and countries worldwide were once life saving. Generations of Irish have invested their young building other nations.

May we now ask for a return on that investment?

Life saving bone marrow transplants require donors that “match”. Matches are most likely found in people with similar ethnic backgrounds.

Spread the word! We are fewer than 6 million here but an estimated 70 million worldwide. Get tested and register. It’s a cheek swab. Not just for Charlie, but for your family and distant cousins worldwide.

Consider the luck of the Irish! We have a sizable diaspora to ask.

Not so lucky, the Jews. Or African Americans.

A worldwide Jewish population/diaspora is estimated at fewer than 14 million. In 2005 when legendary jazz saxophonist Michael Brecker was diagnosed with a blood disorder requiring a bone marrow transplant his family launched a worldwide search for a donor. Widely publicized across both Jewish communities and the musical world, no match was found.

“Being Jewish made it especially difficult to find a genetic match, since such large part of the Jewish population was lost during World War II.” ¹

The problem also exists for African Americans. Good Morning America host Robin Roberts highlighted this issue just last year. Diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome she was blessed to have a sister who was a perfect match. A gift because only 7% of donors registered in America are African-American.

Please register! Urge your friends as well.

United States; Ireland (ROI); United Kingdom; Canada; Australia

 

On a sad note – Charlie lost his battle and “gained his angel wings” on 2. August 2019. You can keep his memory alive by registering – and where possible – supporting the children’s cancer charities and caregivers whose support sustained him then – and so many families now.

¹(http://phillyist.com/2008/04/01/bone_marrow_dri.php)




Enough IS Enough, Really!

“At the end of the day you can only pay what you can pay…”

With these words Irish psychologist Shane Martin talks about the reality of the money stress that affects so many of us. I point out “Irish” because in his practice, Moodwatchers, he is often challenged by the fallout of the economic crisis. Too many ordinary people are suffering the consequences.

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Google “money stress” and there are hundreds of articles – like these:

Interestingly, in 2009, five “coping” suggestions seemed adequate; by 2013, seven are necessary to grab our attention.

Rethinking “enough” is a good place to begin. We’re in good company, few are unaffected by the economic crush – most of us are living on less.

Where to begin?

Accepting that we can “only pay what we can pay” is simple. Though it is not easy.

Adopting a two pronged approach can help. Believing we have enough, feeling prosperous no matter the bank balance – this takes consciously minding our fiscal and spiritual bottom lines.

So much of our mythology around money centers on the illusion that if we had “more,” we would be more comfortable and more able to access our creativity. But creativity and prosperity are spiritual matters, not fiscal ones. The tools of The Prosperous Heart help people to embrace the life that they actually have, where they often find that they already have “enough.” Cameron

Let me highly recommend that you consider and adopt the practical steps outlined in the articles above. Then ask yourself: What are the real obstacles to your feeling prosperous?

Pros Heart lgIf you’d like to explore them, the exercises and discipline of identifying your spending type, keeping a daily record of your spending, and abstaining from “debting” as outlined in The Prosperous Heart will help.

Author Julia Cameron takes the tried and true steps of The Artist’s Way and expands the methodology. The Prosperous Heart is a firm but gentle guide to making peace with money.

After determining your “spending type”, you will take pen and hand and construct an autobiography, analyzing your relationship to money when you were a child, an adolescent, young adult – through to the present. You learn what your patterns are and what they are about.

Like acceptance, the process is simple, but not necessarily easy. You are not in this alone. The secret to success is taking the first step – just do “the next best thing”!

If you find the process daunting – don’t do it alone! To learn more about how to set up your own group or to join a facilitated group – get in touch and register your interest here.