Never has it been easier! Resolve to be a “Digital Media Mensch“* in 2015.

It costs little and you’re out there anyway.

A great recipe for money management is saving 10% of what you earn. Some folks with a charitable mindset strive to contribute 10%. Seem steep? Give of yourself, give your time!

Even just one percent of your work week. Work an 8 hour day? That’s 480 minutes. Consider adding 5 minutes on line, 5 days a week. A gift of 1%.

Now:

• Recommend a business that served you well
• Congratulate a Startup, SME or Micro-business on whatever platform you favor
• Thank your tribe – tell your followers & connections what benefit they’ve brought – even if just a smile
• Introduce a service professional to a potential customer
• Like, favorite or comment on discussion – engagement helps everyone

Could give more? Up it to 2% -10 minutes and you’ll have time to ask folks what digital media support they could use. Be available to open doors.

• New menu at a local cafe you frequent? Tweet about it – help drive traffic
• Refurbished premises? Sale on the High Street, Award Winners? Spread the word
• Repost, retweet or recommend an event – help an organizer fill a room

Creating community begins with one relationship at a time. You don’t have to love your neighbor, you don’t even have to like them. If you like what they’re doing, and if they’re adding value to the community – help them along.

*In Yiddish, mentsh roughly means “a good person.” The word has migrated as a loanword into American English, where a mensch is a particularly good person, similar to a “stand-up guy”, a person with the qualities one would hope for in a friend or trusted colleague. (Wikipedia)

The solstice has passed, we’ve had our shortest day, and I look forward to longer daylight hours. Clearly our cultural and religious traditions support that desire.

In a 2010 post “Happy Chanukah, Ireland”, I reflected on the tradition of remembering the re-dedication of the temple defiled by the Greeks.

“The miracle celebrated is one of faith and light. The oil found there was only enough to light the ritual lamp for one day; it lasted eight. We recall this by lighting candles every night for eight nights. On the first night one, the second two and so on.

The holiday, at this darkest time of the year reminds us that with faith and a commitment to re-dedication every night brings an ever-increasing amount of light.”

No Christmas celebration is complete without festive lights, be they candles in sanctuaries, in crowns on the heads of young girls or bedecking a tree.

The Christmas story of the birth of the “light of the world” complete with wise men following a star, was likely imported to the solstice season. Whenever the actual birth, I am intrigued by this “Winter Solstice described in layman’s terms“:

“From the summer solstice to the winter solstice the days become shorter and colder and from the perspective of the Northern Hemisphere the sun appears to move south and get smaller and more scarce.

The shortening of the days and the expiration of the crops symbolized the process of death to the ancients. It was the death of the sun.

And by December 22 the sun’s demise was fully realized for the sun having moved south continually for 6 months makes it to it’s lowest point in the sky.

Here a curious thing occurs. The sun stops moving south.

At least perceiveably for three days. And during this three day pause the sun resides in the vicinity of the Southern Cross (or Crux) constellation and after December 25, the sun moves one degree , this time North – foreshadowing longer days, warmth and spring.

And thus it was said, the sun died on the cross, was dead for three days only to be resurrected or born again.”

I love the imagery. Third day of darkness since the Solstice – December 25th as the archetypal birth of the year!

Whatever your faith tradition, even absent one – these are universal stories.

The ancients coped with the darkness by celebrating with light. These traditions evolved in the myths created to explain what was fearsome, awe inspiring and confusing in the natural world.

Whether that light is literal or figurative, I’d encourage all of us to look within and not let the light go out.

Peter, Paul & Mary brought their passion for storytelling, peace and folk music together in “Light One Candle”.

When the breadth of suffering in the world overwhelms, we can remember that change comes, as with the return of the daylight, one degree at a time.

Consciously living in the light honoring “the terrible sacrifice justice and freedom demand”, seeking “the strength that we need to never become our own foe” and keeping faith with “those who are suffering pain we learned so long ago”, we can collectively bring an ever-increasing amount of light to the world.

Yesterday I returned home, from home. Contradiction?  Perhaps not. Ireland is my home now, then again, so are the places where my children live. Sometimes that is Philadelphia and it’s suburbs where they were reared, sometimes New Orleans where two now live.

Home. It conjures images of holidays spent with family and friends, safe places, warmth and familiar comfort. Idealised images. Hardly the stuff of everyone’s reality. Yet we are, as a culture, obsessed with it. We outfit and decorate our nests with the care of young brides planning “their day” for years. We obsess about making the best choices. We choose houses and neighbourhoods for school districts, sometimes long before children are born. We make largely emotional decisions about the most significant investment of our lives. It is little wonder that we hold fast to the illusion of the “ideal” and deny what is often the “real”.

So in addition to Joseph’s Campbell’s wisdom, I will add Geneen Roth’s. The author of Women, Food & God reflects on what happens when you separate yourself from your story. I paraphrase here – but her message is that you are not your story; it is merely a familiar version of yourself. You without your story will come to prefer simplicity to complication, freedom over familiarity. You without a voice rehashing that version of you to yourself will begin to embrace that you are worth your own time, you will believe that longed for possibilities are out there. That you deserve a life without a “story”.

I’d already come to that conclusion (but still lose sight of it from time to time) when I made this home for myself in Ireland.

Having embraced that wisdom again, I am happy.  I am finally home. Home after a lifetime of longing for the childhood home lost to me at nine; after inventing and reinventing facsimiles of it; after telling myself I was homeless once and would likely be again. By letting go of that story, I finally know that I carry with me the only sense of home I will ever need.

Apparently it was waiting for me to own it, all along.*

*An earlier version of this post originally appeared as Gratitude for…Homecomings, August 20, 2010

It’s a poor workman who blames his tools…

This adage conjures an image:

• a Singer sewing machine
• my frowning, 4’10” Italian grandmother and
• a judgment that if times got hard, my earning potential doing “piece work” would be pitiful.

Good that I’m better equipped for 21st Century “piece work”! Probably because the “tools” are more like “toys”.

My favourite new toy is Wordle. Their copy calls it: a toy for generating “word clouds”.

And I had been playing with it as directed – until…

Collaboration, cooperation, and a circle of like-minded souls changed all that!

Something extraordinary happened when Carol Conway, Freelance Catalyst didn’t use Wordle “as directed”.

She’s the dynamic facilitator who was directing, coordinating & tracking the content, tenor & tone of a  Summer School I attended this week. She employed Wordle to help.

The gift was not in this visual which highlights the output of 25 speakers, but rather that it was a key part of the process. Each day we submitted on post-its – words and themes that resonated with us as they came up.

In the evening, via the magic of the word cloud, she’d create and share an image.

That was powerful enough – but having slept on it – our breakfast conversations were even more enlightened.

Here’s why it mattered:

We think in images. Carol pointed out that we are exposed to thousands (did I hear 50,000?) of bits of information a day. We remember or focus on only a tiny fraction. In a crowded room, the attention of individuals was on different bits – and we all experienced those differently – through our individual filters.

This image of our collective process was a brilliant way to encourage reflection on what had percolated to the top of the group consciousness and encouraged some to bring their voices and passion to other issues that hadn’t been heard.

I delighted in the power it brought to the introverts in the room.

Their voices are empowered by reflective time. This allowed the extraverts to then could see what they may not have heard.

The visuals will speak for themselves!

A few years ago when a colleague’s grandson was only 6, he came home from school having been taught the biblical story of Joseph.

“Daddy, why did his brothers throw Joseph in the pit?”

“Because Joseph was his father’s favorite. Jacob didn’t treat the other brothers as nicely.”

The wee one went off. A good while later he was back, having seriously contemplated the matter at hand.

“They should have thrown Joseph’s father in the pit!”

That, dear readers, is precisely why we tell stories.

Whatever your relationship to, belief about, or even disdain for The Bible, the Book of Genesis is a good read. A psychology professor of mine once opened a class in group dynamics with:

“…and if you’re working with families don’t underestimate the complexity. Everything you need to know about that can be found in Genesis”

In an earlier post on Storytelling, I explored the archetypal nature of stories. Simply put, it’s the way in which groups, families, or societies behave, as demonstrated in common threads, patterns, or characters that appear across most human behavior.

Changing behavior, becoming resilient, and recovery of any kind all rely on our ability to observe our behavior, elucidate patterns, and reflect on their origin.

So whether it’s about a personal recovery – or a societal one, the lessons apply.

The six-year-old who has genuinely considered the parenting lesson at the core of the Joseph story will parent differently in later life. There is little doubt his own father’s parenting is at the core of his power to observe, reflect, and conclude.

There is application also to our wider human family and more specifically to us here on the island of Ireland. I would encourage us to consider the divisiveness of our “Green” & “Orange” narratives in the context of families, human behavior, and Genesis.

This Joseph story doesn’t begin with Jacob’s poor parenting. Jacob’s own father rejected him for his twin. His own favoritism of Joseph was born of his grief at Rachael’s death. Joseph was a motherless child, the first-born of his favored wife.

How much of this story is owed to that accident of birth? To the times in which he was born?

And if you never knew the historical context or the family background does it inform your understanding of Jacob, Joseph, and his brothers? Leave you more compassionate, perhaps?’

A “family conflict of legendary proportions” is how it is further discussed by David Lewicki, Our Dysfunctional Families (Genesis 37: 1-4, 12-28), an excellent read.

I would argue that were we to explore the Irish historical narrative in this way, and other nation’s stories, we would come to a more compassionate understanding of ourselves and each other.

For more on changing narratives in Ireland see On Changing Conversations in Ireland or listen to a range of speakers from the Changing Conversations series at the XChangeNI Summer School 2014.

Oh, we Irish are grand storytellers. Poor though, in frank and open conversation. Worse at speaking truth to power. Perhaps the former comes naturally. For the latter, skills are required.

We teach polite, we teach deference, we don’t teach assertiveness or skills to influence¹. That is a very specific skill set.

We lack a belief that we are entitled to be heard. Not to always get our way, rather to be respected when we assert our needs, our insights, and ourselves.

How else can one explain the dearth of leadership across public institutions in two governments in Ireland? We whinge to our friends, but we are silent in public.²

Imagine finding your voice as a way to take back your power. And to empower others.

I tell this story often, to illustrate the way in which we silence ourselves.

The butcher enquired of my special request. “What would you be wanting that for?”

I’d forgotten that even a paying customer’s whims are not always humored in Irish villages.

“My children are coming and it’s their favorite.” His politely stern retort: “Well, your children will just have to learn to eat Irish”

The child in me recognized the tone. Educated by an Irish order of nuns in an academy with a mission to transform the daughters of immigrants into ladies worthy of the upper classes their parents aspired to, I knew to smile, nod and change my order.

It would have been an automatic response before a thity year journey of finding my voice. My response was polite but fierce.

“Well, I will learn to eat Irish, my guests will learn to eat Irish, but my children will get what they have always gotten. I’ll be in tomorrow at two to pick it up.”

I did and it was lovely.

Apart from my reputation as that “cheeky American woman”, all goes well enough. I shop there and enjoy conversations about children and grandchildren and have fine meals of my choosing.

Two friends related how they handle the same shop. “The Irish way” I’m told.

One, an American expat said “Eve, you will just have to learn to act Irish”. The other, a woman with a family of six, regularly drives 18 miles round trip to shop elsewhere because “he always tries to talk me out of what I want”.

Surely these responses serve no one.

Failure to assert what we need, and in this case, what we are entitled to as paying customers, does a disservice to all.

I don’t get what I want, the environment suffers the insult of extra emissions and the butcher misses an opportunity to serve, to please and as in his case with me, excel.

It belies a disrespect of both the merchant and us. It is in his best interest to sell the meat already cut in the case. It is simply incumbent upon me to insist on what I want. That is a transaction of equals.

Working with a group of clients I used this example to explore the nuances of language, practice assertiveness and exercise our voices in a new way.

Months after the long forgotten session I ran into one.

“I have a butcher story for you. I remembered what you said about asking for what we don’t see, or sending a dish back.”

In the past out of “politeness” she wouldn’t have asked for something she didn’t see.

“So I asked for rhubarb.” He didn’t carry it, he didn’t know why, but he said “The farmer up the road has a field of it. Leave it with me and come back tomorrow.”

A few hours later a lad from the store delivered a bunch to her house. Now, in season he carries it.

Her assertion provided an opportunity for him to be generous, prove his skill as a wise merchant, and my point.

A fine man, willing to please, he is rarely given the opportunity. In our deference we don’t empower each other to do better.

Power and influence are there for the taking. It requires no force, just practice. In fact you may find that the more softly you speak the harder they listen…and pay attention.

¹The Elements of Influence

The Elements of Power

²Irish voter turnout, 2014

For more on the painting – The Storyteller: http://robvanderwildttellerstalespictured.wordpress.com/2013/07/21/this-man-is-a-real-storyteller-and-so-is-his-painter/

What would I do if I didn’t have to do it perfectly?
A great deal more than I am.

Julia Cameron

 “Progress not perfection” is a mantra heard frequently in support groups. I repeat it often in my work with clients and when I am trying to be gentle in my own self -talk.

It’s a reminder that “good enough is good enough”. Whether one is recovering from addiction, writing a resume or adopting a new food plan – beating oneself up for “missing the mark” is self-defeating.

Perfectionism is paralyzing!

How many things haven’t you tried because you were afraid to look silly? I did and among others – missed an opportunity to learn to ski. I still mourn the courses I didn’t opt for in college because “I can’t afford a ‘C’. How much richer would my experiences be in the museums I love, had I been satisfied to “get” even just 2/3 of what an esteemed Art History professor had to say.

You get the point.

Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence

Vince Lombardi Jr.

Let’s take Mr. Lombardi’s advice on board – he never had a losing season while coaching in America’s NFL.

No perfect seasons – but all winning.

“If your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything.” – David Foster Wallace

“At the end of the day you can only pay what you can pay…”

With these words Irish psychologist Shane Martin talks about the reality of the money stress that affects so many of us. I point out “Irish” because in his practice, Moodwatchers, he is often challenged by the fallout of the economic crisis. Too many ordinary people are suffering the consequences.

Google “money stress” and there are hundreds of articles – like these:

Interestingly, in 2009, five “coping” suggestions seemed adequate; by 2013, seven are necessary to grab our attention.

Rethinking “enough” is a good place to begin. We’re in good company, few are unaffected by the economic crush – most of us are living on less.

Where to begin?

Accepting that we can “only pay what we can pay” is simple. Though it is not easy.

Adopting a two pronged approach can help. Believing we have enough, feeling prosperous no matter the bank balance – this takes consciously minding our fiscal and spiritual bottom lines.

So much of our mythology around money centers on the illusion that if we had “more,” we would be more comfortable and more able to access our creativity. But creativity and prosperity are spiritual matters, not fiscal ones. The tools of The Prosperous Heart help people to embrace the life that they actually have, where they often find that they already have “enough.” Cameron

Let me highly recommend that you consider and adopt the practical steps outlined in the articles above. Then ask yourself: What are the real obstacles to your feeling prosperous?

If you’d like to explore them, the exercises and discipline of identifying your spending type, keeping a daily record of your spending, and abstaining from “debting” as outlined in The Prosperous Heart will help.

Author Julia Cameron takes the tried and true steps of The Artist’s Way and expands the methodology. The Prosperous Heart is a firm but gentle guide to making peace with money.

After determining your “spending type”, you will take pen and hand and construct an autobiography, analyzing your relationship to money when you were a child, an adolescent, young adult – through to the present. You learn what your patterns are and what they are about.

Like acceptance, the process is simple, but not necessarily easy. You are not in this alone. The secret to success is taking the first step – just do “the next best thing”!

If you find the process daunting – don’t do it alone! To learn more about how to set up your own group or to join a facilitated group – get in touch and register your interest here.

Sustaining change in life and work is hard. Groups of like minded people keep you focused and on track as you go through The Artist’s Way.

Explore a disciplined approach to effecting a real life change,  rediscover and engage your most creative self.

Join us for a free introductory session, twelve week groups will then commence in late September/October 2013.

The Artist’s Way

Dublin  @ The Howth Yacht Club
Tuesday evenings 

Tuesday morning location tbd

Belfast, @ The Source Wellbeing Centre

Thursday evenings 

Thursday morning location tbd

The Prosperous Heart

Newry @ The Bath House

Monday, evenings

Carlingford, @ Saddle View
Sundays, 11:00am

For more information or to
register interest, contact us.

Once again I find I have slipped in my commitment to a weekly blog. That’s not like me, the next time I’ll set time aside on a regular basis to write lively, informative and relevant posts weekly.

I start with that admission of failure and commitment to change because I spent a good portion of this week sharing what I know about effecting change successfully with a wonderful and inspiring group of leaders participating on the Investment in Excellence programme being put on by The Wheel. As ever, the experience leaves me with a deep sense of how lucky I am to be invited to share/teach/deliver this material on a regular basis. The concepts are well proven (including by me in my own life), profound and life-changing and they also require a level of rigour and self-discipline that at times can be challenging to sustain. In that regard, I benefit hugely every time I deliver the material by hearing it all over again and being reminded of where I could benefit by applying it more consistently in my own life and practice.

One of the things I committed to sharing with the group was a synopsis of the Tool Kit of which I am such a fan. As I put the list together, I realised it might be worth sharing with a wider audience. And, for anyone reading this for the first time and confused by some of the shorthand, simply link back to my earlier posts (links provided) as most of the items have been written about in more detail over the last year.

So for those among you who, like me, would like a handy tool kit to use for the most important D.I.Y. job of all – creating a successful and happy life – here it is:

The Tool Kit (so far…):

1. Control my Self Talk

• I am always positive and affirming in how I talk to myself and others
• Avoid “can’t”, “don’t”, “but”, “just”, “only”, “have to”
• Embrace “there is a solution, I simply haven’t seen it yet”, “I am strong, positive and cope well with adversity”, “Setbacks happen and I always bounce back stronger as a result”

2. Set Deliberate Goals

• Reflect on what I want in life
• Goal set with balance in all areas of my life (Balance Wheel)
• Use the Affirmation process to write my goals correctly
• Imprint my Affirmations daily

3. Manage my Stress

• Be aware of my body language to myself; unclench, uncross, lift my heart, release my neck, “Hallelujah” arms daily
• Use the Breath of Tranquility (inhale counting four, pause counting two, exhale counting four, pause counting two, repeat) to trigger the Relaxation Response
• Use a shield visualisation (light or strong perspex) to protect myself from perceived negativity of those around me

4. Build & Strengthen my Self Esteem & Belief in the Goodness of the World

• Use my list of ten things I do/did well to revisit previous success and imprint those in my subconscious
• Keep a “success journal” daily of good things I have achieved or contributed to both large and small. Wallow in that success and enjoy appreciating my own achievements privately to imprint excellence as a habit
• Build an attitude of gratitude, noticing and feeling thankful for the good things that happen daily, both large and small

And finally, spend as much time around other positive people as you can. Optimism and positivity are contagious (as are negativity, pessimism and misery) so let’s start the right kind of epidemic!

Originally posted 24 Sep 2011