Tools for Life

Once again I find I have slipped in my commitment to a weekly blog. That’s not like me, the next time I’ll set time aside on a regular basis to write lively, informative and relevant posts weekly.

I start with that admission of failure and commitment to change because I spent a good portion of this week sharing what I know about effecting change successfully with a wonderful and inspiring group of leaders participating on the Investment in Excellence programme being put on by The Wheel. As ever, the experience leaves me with a deep sense of how lucky I am to be invited to share/teach/deliver this material on a regular basis. The concepts are well proven (including by me in my own life), profound and life-changing and they also require a level of rigour and self-discipline that at times can be challenging to sustain. In that regard, I benefit hugely every time I deliver the material by hearing it all over again and being reminded of where I could benefit by applying it more consistently in my own life and practice.

One of the things I committed to sharing with the group was a synopsis of the Tool Kit of which I am such a fan. As I put the list together, I realised it might be worth sharing with a wider audience. And, for anyone reading this for the first time and confused by some of the shorthand, simply link back to my earlier posts (links provided) as most of the items have been written about in more detail over the last year.

So for those among you who, like me, would like a handy tool kit to use for the most important D.I.Y. job of all – creating a successful and happy life – here it is:

The Tool Kit (so far…):

1. Control my Self Talk

  • I am always positive and affirming in how I talk to myself and others
  • Avoid “can’t”, “don’t”, “but”, “just”, “only”, “have to”
  • Embrace “there is a solution, I simply haven’t seen it yet”, “I am strong, positive and cope well with adversity”, “Setbacks happen and I always bounce back stronger as a result”

2. Set Deliberate Goals

  • Reflect on what I want in life
  • Goal set with balance in all areas of my life (Balance Wheel)
  • Use the Affirmation process to write my goals correctly
  • Imprint my Affirmations daily

3. Manage my Stress

  • Be aware of my body language to myself; unclench, uncross, lift my heart, release my neck, “Hallelujah” arms daily
  • Use the Breath of Tranquility (inhale counting four, pause counting two, exhale counting four, pause counting two, repeat) to trigger the Relaxation Response
  • Use a shield visualisation (light or strong perspex) to protect myself from perceived negativity of those around me

4. Build & Strengthen my Self Esteem & Belief in the Goodness of the World

  • Use my list of ten things I do/did well to revisit previous success and imprint those in my subconscious
  • Keep a “success journal” daily of good things I have achieved or contributed to both large and small. Wallow in that success and enjoy appreciating my own achievements privately to imprint excellence as a habit
  • Build an attitude of gratitude, noticing and feeling thankful for the good things that happen daily, both large and small

And finally, spend as much time around other positive people as you can. Optimism and positivity are contagious (as are negativity, pessimism and misery) so let’s start the right kind of epidemic!

Originally posted 24 Sep 2011




Respecting Our Journey

Living intentionally is a choice.

It’s nothing short of a heroic journey – a journey of recovery. You will not hear talk of being recovered. This is an ongoing struggle.

In my case, I was enlighted by children who are my taskmasters. They caught and duly chastised me, when I utter aloud the negative self talk that holds me back. Admittedly, on occasion, they still do.

The inner critic, censor, or in my case, the prerecorded voice of parents saying I am not creative enough, artistic enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough – all often after having been praised by others for great grades or an accomplishment. Why? Perspective. They didn’t want me to “get a big head”.

Or perhaps it was that they recognised something that irritated them. More objectively it was likely they were dissatisfied with something that bothered them about themselves or each other.

cowering childAnd like any dependent child who believes adults are infallible – theirs was the last word; they were the authority. I recorded the message and spent a lifetime playing it back.

In a recent conversation with one daughter she related some of the negative self talk she hears. I was appalled. She like her sisters, each in a unique way – is bright, beautiful and accomplished. Did I give you that message?  Did I ever say that to you? “No”, she replied, “but you said it to yourself”.  I was sure I had affirmed and assured each of them and it was my own self abuse that undermined the message.

So what will banish that voice? First I had to learn to recognize it. My wakeup call came in a counseling session 25 years ago. I don’t know which in the litany of inadequacies I used but it was something demeaning. The therapist raised her voice (completely out of character) and sternly asked: “Would you let anyone speak to your child that way?”

I quaked, certainly not!

Adopt the premise.

No children, no problem. Visualise a vulnerable child, friend or loved one.

Would you let anyone put them down, undermine their self esteem, or murder their creative spirit? When you muster the rage, that defensive fight vs. flight response in support of that vulnerability – you are on your way. Not there yet: picture someone angry about anything, who then goes over and kicks the dog.

Think about reclaiming yourself – your spirit, your optimism, and your potential by actively fighting off the wielder of toxic words. Sadly, often ourselves.

When you repeat the message that you can’t – you can’t. When you become your greatest ally and supporter, your ideal parent, you can do anything.

Need a cheerleader?  Find a cheerleader, create a tribe. Engage. Talk about why this is so hard, even though you know it makes sense.

Learn from the best parents and teachers. They love and accept the children given to their care. They don’t chastise or undermine, they encourage and empower; teaching them to explore and maximize gifts and compensate for or to overcome challenges.

Good parents and teachers know no absolutes, only possibilities.

#DontGoItAlone! If you think we can help, get in touch via the form at the right.

For more on embracing this heroic journey, ask yourself: Where will you be 5 years from today?