Respecting Our Journey

Living intentionally is a choice.

It’s nothing short of a heroic journey – a journey of recovery. You will not hear talk of being recovered. This is an ongoing struggle.

In my case, I was enlighted by children who are my taskmasters. They caught and duly chastised me, when I utter aloud the negative self talk that holds me back. Admittedly, on occasion, they still do.

The inner critic, censor, or in my case, the prerecorded voice of parents saying I am not creative enough, artistic enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough – all often after having been praised by others for great grades or an accomplishment. Why? Perspective. They didn’t want me to “get a big head”.

Or perhaps it was that they recognised something that irritated them. More objectively it was likely they were dissatisfied with something that bothered them about themselves or each other.

cowering childAnd like any dependent child who believes adults are infallible – theirs was the last word; they were the authority. I recorded the message and spent a lifetime playing it back.

In a recent conversation with one daughter she related some of the negative self talk she hears. I was appalled. She like her sisters, each in a unique way – is bright, beautiful and accomplished. Did I give you that message?  Did I ever say that to you? “No”, she replied, “but you said it to yourself”.  I was sure I had affirmed and assured each of them and it was my own self abuse that undermined the message.

So what will banish that voice? First I had to learn to recognize it. My wakeup call came in a counseling session 25 years ago. I don’t know which in the litany of inadequacies I used but it was something demeaning. The therapist raised her voice (completely out of character) and sternly asked: “Would you let anyone speak to your child that way?”

I quaked, certainly not!

Adopt the premise.

No children, no problem. Visualise a vulnerable child, friend or loved one.

Would you let anyone put them down, undermine their self esteem, or murder their creative spirit? When you muster the rage, that defensive fight vs. flight response in support of that vulnerability – you are on your way. Not there yet: picture someone angry about anything, who then goes over and kicks the dog.

Think about reclaiming yourself – your spirit, your optimism, and your potential by actively fighting off the wielder of toxic words. Sadly, often ourselves.

When you repeat the message that you can’t – you can’t. When you become your greatest ally and supporter, your ideal parent, you can do anything.

Need a cheerleader?  Find a cheerleader, create a tribe. Engage. Talk about why this is so hard, even though you know it makes sense.

Learn from the best parents and teachers. They love and accept the children given to their care. They don’t chastise or undermine, they encourage and empower; teaching them to explore and maximize gifts and compensate for or to overcome challenges.

Good parents and teachers know no absolutes, only possibilities.

#DontGoItAlone! If you think we can help, get in touch via the form at the right.

For more on embracing this heroic journey, ask yourself: Where will you be 5 years from today?




Nurturing Ourselves

Who do we talk to, and are we careful in selecting them? Yesterday, I mentioned Julia Cameron’s acknowledgement page in Finding Water (2009) and the power of the gifts she outlines.

She has chosen these friends and family members and cultivates those relationships. So with whom do we chose to share our journey and what do we do to cultivate the healthy relationships? How should we accept and manage the ones that are less so.

I am often reminded of the lyrics of Caledonia. Dougie MacLean wrote: “Now I have moved and I’ve kept on moving, proved the points that I needed proving, lost the friends that I needed losing, found others on the way”.

Do we need to lose friends? What about family members? Perhaps not lose all of them, but certainly renegotiate the relationships.

  • What are the messages we get from them?
  • Are they reinforcing negative messages we give ourselves?
  • Are they relating to us now or the person we were 5, 10 or 15 years ago?
  • If we met this person tomorrow would we chose to have them in our life?

I have a friend who is proposing April 1st as ‘National De-friend all those People you Shouldn’t Have Friended on Facebook Day”.

It is easy to make light of this, but it does beg the question – do I need to go on a negativity diet?

Every interaction, every conversation impacts us. Are we guarded? Available? Invested? Are we telling the truth? Asking for feedback or reflection? Most importantly are we listening? And when we listen, what do we hear?

A colleague reminds me: “How do you treat sick fish? You treat the water, their environment.”

So what might we do to change our environment to be happier, healthier?

Surround ourselves with happier, healthier people. Those aren’t necessarily the cheerful ones, or even the optimistic ones. They are the people honouring their own struggle and ours to be themselves.

We spend a lot of energy keeping our true selves to ourselves. Our “persona” is the face we show the outside world and if it is not genuinely us, we are spending a lot of energy displaying it. Underneath is a voice reminding us that the “real me” isn’t good enough to bring to the outside world.  Well why not?

Let’s shed the voice, the inner critic and look to the people we admire. We can adopt their voices, accept what it is they like about us. And affirm ourselves.


We’ll get there- and until we do let’s simply

“Fake it til we Make it”

I love and accept myself the way that I am today, I am enough!

 

You don’t have to go it alone – get in touch if you think we can help!